rockson rules! shall try to talk lk him for one post!

here goes nothing.

fuck la, bloody exam! si mi sai they test me. as if i fucking study that hard to remember all the cheebye terms. all my results like fuck already still want to fuck it up some more for me. school has always been cheebye, results also! bad like hell still can go good class with all the fucking smart people. make me feel even more like shit on the floor.

oh my. i cannot make it. i must take my hats off for ROCKSON! you rules.

haha. anyway, margaritas for $15 a jug anyone? treat me! i am seriously broke and my mum doesn't want to give me allowance.

ANYWAY. exams as you can tell are not going very smoothly for me, i guess i jsut cannot be bothered anymore, at least this time.

i wish i could write more fluently this time round but my constant maple playing is giving me a serious headache, in fact lots of things are.

to answer one of the comments, i didn't ARRIVE at my sexuality. i was it all along. hmm. of course i have thought of reverting, because as a homosexual, i deal with alot of shit. from friends, people who judged, family. but i have never gone back on my decision to be openly gay, because i am happier this way and those people who accepts truly cares.

i have been un-attached for (let's see 1,2,3,4...) close to a year? haha. quite pathetic. i miss having someone. yet i do not miss the insecurities. i guessed she did deal me a big big blow. tsunami she did on my future relationships. xiaotou (small head) is trying to matchmake me to this girl, we're going out tomorrow to walawala to HAVOC!! haha. no la, to listen to some band. i feel excited yet guilty at the same time. maybe it is that i have feelings for this girl that i know i will never be with. is it bad to like someone yet go meet other people? isn't my freedom? doesn't being single depict that there is no commitment to the other person? do feelings necessarily mean commitment?

i don't know. so to that girl, i'm sorry. but i need to get over you.

to the day we'll never know. tomorrow.

how many of us can say proudly that we have lived our lives? to not regret anything that you haven't done, or haven't said. at least i know it'll be sometime before i can achieve that. there are so many things that i want to do and say but there are so many constraints. i think my concious mind and my subconcious are on a totally different level, sometimes i think WITHOUT knowing what i think. i just stare into space knowing that i am thinking but not what about. ahaha.

will i ever be able to die happily? to have someone who knows me inside out and still want to be with me? to ever hug another warm body just to feel safe from the world?

sigh.

depression and laziness will be my downfall.

And he was angry at himself for not giving up, even though he knew what he hoped for could never be.

maybe that sums up all that i feel right now. quoted from "love lives" a new book i bought at a book fair quite recently.

sigh. life goes on.

the trinity

several friends have said before that i am a person who conceals feelings. that i am not as happy as i seem to be. a recent, somewhat similiar, comment occurred and it set me thinking. am i really that unhappy and do i really cover up what i feel?

hmmm.

maybe i am, i am no more of a thinker than i am a worrier. i.e. whatever i think, i worry about.

it's hard for me to pen down exactly what i think or feel, and it leads me to ponder if i really do have alter-egos. from the first year in JC, i had the idea that there were these two main conflicting 'emotions' in my mind. and it felt like two other alter-egos fighting with each other on any matter that plagued my thoughts. subsequently, i named them. the one filled with constant despair is called jules, and the one filled with constant rage is named daemon. and the me inside, just smiles cause i have no idea what is going on.

they only seem to dominate when things around me go awry, or something happened that makes me think/worry about, people that say insensitive things. the list goes on.

bad stuff like the above are occurring at a slower rate now, so i don't feel their presence much. and it is only when they appear that i am unhappy.

i just realised that i sound like a motherfucking crazy person. well, i am a borderline psychopath. so don't piss me off.

when the cookie crumbled

whenever i lie in bed to go to sleep at night, i've always had this feeling inside me. this pain that doesn't go away. an ache from deep within. and today i realised that it started not too long ago, ever since i had that nightmare. though i do not remember the dream in detail, i do know that it made me wake up with tears in my eyes. it will be hard to describe but it was a pot of depressing feelings that left me devastated (even until now).

suffering in silence has become common practice for me, and i do not wish for anyone to want to listen to my two cents' worth of ramblings. but what i dreamt, if it were to come true, would be too much for me to bear with the emotional and mental state that i am in. from that dream, that lasted in dream time about 10 minutes, was enough for me to really understand a few things. that sometimes it is possible to be disappointed even if you knew it was bound to happen, that it will never be enough, and that how painful it would be to be too attached to a person.

i never did blog about the dream, cause i wanted to do was to forget it. but it seems i never will.

tonight what inspired me to blog was that on the way back home, i was thinking to myself that maybe i would really not find anyone and wither away slowly to the abyss of solitude. and this train of thought led me to the conclusion that i am afraid of being lonely. but to what extents and the definition of being lonely, i am not quite sure. i do know that i cannot without company.

what was the interesting afterthought was that i could live alone based on one flaw factor, that i am not a person who would readily open herself to 'love' from others.

this may confused you or already have, but i will try my best to explain. maybe it is not 100% true to say that i do not have any self-esteem, so let's just say i have a very small and fragile ego. and from a very bad and sour relationship, i was quoted to be "emotionally and mentally abused". my trust for people's fidelity has gone down the drain together with my faith to love wholeheartedly again. having been belittled again and again, i have developed a natural response for my esteem, urm, growth. anything that happened or i did that boosted my ego would cause a reflex somewhere deep in my cerebullum to backfire on that boost. like a homeostasis of the brain. so i am stuck somewhere between stupid and pathetic. well, we're all there at a point in life.

so when i do develop some sort of feelings for another person, i start to wonder how can i ever compare to her, how can i ever provide all that she needs, how can i be all that she'll ever want. and any remote hope that she may reciprocate are soon extinguished by the response team in my central nervous system. so then i shy away, i lose contact and faith, and then i try to give up. because it'll never be.

haunted constantly by thoughts of better days, i can never develop a liking for these lonely times.

understand what i mean when i say "anyone who will be with you, would be the luckiest person in the world."

when i laugh with you
how time swiftly flies
if you were to love someone too
i will smile with tears in my eyes
although words held us apart
while you held my heart

i once wrote this; "the smile in your eyes leaves me mesmerised. the fondness in my heart, unspoken as we part."

enough said. i feel tired and drained. out.

after being a fairly loyal visitor to popagandhi for quite a while now. i realised that there are some dialect words that just cannot be translated into english. like gek. "she gek-ed me just now until i almost wanted to cough up blood." words that come close are, frustrated, pissed, chargrined, miffed.

it's been a while. i have attended motorbike lessons despite much protests from several friends, and i can only conclude that it is freaking fun! well, we'll see, it's only the first lesson. back again on sat. hopefully, i can pass quickly, pray religously for my dad to pay back my mum, and then get my own bike (sponsored by mum).

oh and those of you who have been waiting patiently for my exam to end (me included), this friday is D-day. so far, not so good. hmm, well, nobody really expected me to get wonderful, out-of-this-world grades. so guess i'll just slide by. left with the god-forsaken maths, and my all-favourite anatomy and physiology. by friday 8pm, i am so finished with year one of my stupid poly diploma.

well well. money seems to be the root of all evil. but the book, i,lucifer, refers freedom to be the root of all evil. ah vell, one forever longs to be free.

will you free me?